EngineerHer

So, ye might have noticed that the blog has taken a more “corporate” feel over this year. And honestly – there are solid reasons for that. I want to address those reasons today, and maybe some of ye can learn from before ye end up in the same state I did.

Here’s the honest version: I was taking shortcuts. My health was suffering, and somewhere in trying to be more SEO-friendly, more findable, more “professional,” the blog stopped sounding like me. I let the algorithm write my voice for me because I didn’t have the energy to write it myself.

I knew something wasn’t right for a while before I actually did anything about it. I knew that sleeping 8 hours a night but still needing a 3-hour nap during the day wasn’t normal – even for me, and I love my sleep. I knew that having a week off and not wanting to do anything fun wasn’t right either. I didn’t want to leave my bed, never mind the couch. I woke up with a headache every morning and blamed it on having my coffee later than usual – but being brutally honest, I have one cup of coffee a day. Missing it shouldn’t cause that sort of pain.

And yes, wanting to sleep that much could have been depression – but it didn’t feel like that. I didn’t feel the brain fog.

But then, the husband and I went out to lunch one day.

He’d worked hard to persuade me to go out. I was like a toddler getting ready for a doctor’s visit – wasting time, asking loads of “what if” questions, you know the deal. Even on the way in I was anxious, picking at my choices, mumbling to myself, trembling. (I know. I’m brilliant at picking up on my own body’s signals. 🙄) I started feeling hot and shaky – could’ve been the weather, could’ve been that I hadn’t eaten properly, but I wasn’t picking up on that either.

We eat there a lot, so the menu was no surprise, and I’d already decided what I wanted before we got in – that part was easy. But I was edgy and tense the whole way through. I got through most of the food before my nose started bleeding. This was nosebleed number three that day, so I wasn’t expecting a big one. It was a big one.

I got through almost an entire roll of restaurant toilet paper trying to stop it. And I was so anxious about making a mess that I couldn’t mop it up before it dried, which made me panic about the mess, which meant more blood dropped instead of being caught – ye can see the spiral, right? I got it stopped eventually and cleaned myself up, though the husband pointed out a few drops when I got back to the table that I sorted out quickly. It took about 20 minutes. That’s a long nosebleed for me.

I still had to get to the pharmacy for meds afterwards. But I managed it – and even made it to the opticians to get my glasses straightened, which was great, because they had air con, and it felt wonderful.

After we got home, I – surprising absolutely no one at this point – got back into bed.

But the next day was the cruncher. I woke up and genuinely couldn’t remember what day it was. I felt hungover – the kind of hungover where you’ve had way too much to drink, plus a bad pint, plus food poisoning from the takeaway on the way home. Too bad to even consider drinking water. You need full-fat Coke, slightly flat but not completely flat. I felt awful. Too awful even for me to keep ignoring the signs.

So that afternoon, after the Coke and some toast and a shower, the husband and I sat down and had a talk. Things weren’t working. My anxiety was sky high. The headaches were probably more from grinding my teeth than caffeine – he could hear me at night. He’d had to wake me from nightmares a few times too, which isn’t the usual thing in our house – that’s normally my job with him.

We looked back at what I’d actually been doing. I hadn’t slipped back into the long 70-hour weeks. But I’d been living as if I had. A 40 to 45 hour week had been exhausting me the way a 70-hour one normally would. I was coming home and not doing anything fun. I wasn’t doing any of the things that support me to be happy – no fresh air, no movement, no fun. I was 100% focused on “easy,” but “easy” meant “not doing anything,” not “doing things that made me feel better.”

Because I do know what makes life better for me. Drinking enough water – that had been slipping. Eating food that tastes good and feels good – completely ignored, and to be honest, food had tasted like nothing for weeks at that point. Fresh air – abandoned, blamed on the weather. Moving regularly – ignored entirely. And good quality sleep. Well. We already know how that one worked out.

So we thought about a reset. That helps the two of us sometimes, and it feeds into things I recommend to others too – having a structure in place to support you. My husband had to go away for a few weeks around then, which turned out to be good timing – it meant I could focus on me, 100%.

I’ve never claimed to be perfect. My team will tell you I say “do as I say, not as I do” more often than I’d like, because I frequently disregard my own advice. But when I do, it backfires. Not immediately – a once-off rarely affects me. But once-offs lead to “rarely.” Rarely leads to “sometimes.” Sometimes leads to “often.” And often becomes the daily routine, without you ever deciding it should.

A year ago I had a good weekly movement habit going. Then something happened, I missed three sessions in a row, and that was that. I had a trampoline sitting in my front hall for about five months before I actually put it together and started using it. (Yes – that’s a sneak peek at what the reset looked like. More on that another time.)

Our bodies give us signs. Most of the time those signs are easy enough to recognise – we just have to be paying attention. If I’d paid attention when things first started slipping, I might not have had to let so much go, or let so many standards drop, before I noticed how far I’d drifted from where I wanted to be. I had to go back and revisit my foundation – the core of what my values actually add up to, how I want my life and my work to run. Again.

This is why I start with the Foundation in the FRAMES method, because it’s the core and the case of who and what we are. Anyone who knows me knows that “corporate” isn’t the word that first comes to mind when describing me. My “I hate people” t-shirt is semi-famous among certain circles, and I keep telling people – it’s a warning.

So when I started turning out perfectly crafted blog posts – SEO-aligned, with none of my usual patterns, instead of my usual stream of consciousness – it should have been a sign. And it was. I just didn’t pick up on it.

So, what’s your sign? Is it the tiredness? Is it being more grumpy than usual? Is it eating less than usual, or more? Is it being too easily persuaded to skip your daily walk? What used to be “rare” and is now just the routine, and you’re not really sure how it happened, but you’re not happy about it?

Feel free to tell me in the comments or via email – but don’t worry, next week, I’ll talk about the reset.