EngineerHer

I know, most of us are hanging on by the fingernails to the end of the year. The notion of setting any boundaries beyond “Just need to last til X date” can seem overwhelming. But bear with me, ok? We’re coming to the end of a year, and naturally, we tend to look back on ways to make next year better. Or at least, what we don’t want to bring into the following year. At the very least, wouldn’t it be nice to be facing into the holiday break next year without this desperation overload?

Added to that, my page-a-day calendar, came up with the following last Friday (I wasn’t in work, so didn’t see it til this morning)

So, today, I’m gonna have a chat about boundaries, what they are and how to set them in work.

What are boundaries

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our time, energy, and well-being. They help us manage stress, prevent burnout, and ensure we can give our best to both our professional and personal lives.

Boundaries might include setting clear work hours and sticking to them, even if it means saying no to late-night emails or weekend projects. It’s about communicating our availability to colleagues and family, so everyone understands when we are or are not accessible. This can help her carve out dedicated time for her family, hobbies, and self-care.

Boundaries also involve prioritizing tasks and delegating when possible. We might need to let go of the need to do everything ourselves, both at work and at home. We may need to trust others to handle certain responsibilities. This can free up mental space and reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed. (OK I can hear the laughter here!)

The above is pretty much a boiler plate explanation of what boundaries are. And, if you’re honest, you already know all of it. But…

If boundaries are so easy, why don’t we have them already in place?

Well, that’s cos they really aren’t easy. Let’s face it. It’s very easy to say, “I’m going to finish work before 5:30pm 4 nights out of 5”. It’s a lot bloody harder to hold to that boundary.

Now, there are some things that get really easy to hold. Starting late or coming into the office later is usually easier to hold as a boundary than leaving on time. We all know that person who’s just like “it’ll only take 5 mins”. And you’re still there an hour later. It also helps to have an appointment to go to. And I mean a real appointment. Preferably with someone else, not just yourself.

It’s very easy to give up on yourself. I mean, how many times have you said “I’m leaving work by 5:30pm so I can fit that walk in” and then gotten caught up in work?

It’s far easier to stick to it if you have a friend to meet, or an appointment to keep. If you have something you’ve spent money on waiting for you, it’s a damn sight easier to leave work on time.

What if I’m hopeless and think I’ll never set a boundary?

Yeah, I used to think this as well. But start small. Really small. No, smaller than that.

I think my first boundary was to go to the bathroom within 30mins of needing to go. Instead of hanging on for 8hrs til the end of my shift. (Teachers and nurses who might read this are screaming at me at the luxury of that!)

It was so hard. Really difficult. But, I eventually did it. And then it became a habit.

Then, I started giving myself appointments on a Friday evening. That got me out of there on time! And I slowly and surely built up my “No” reflex.

The “no” reflex (and the “yes” reflex”)

I paid someone a compliment the other day, saying she had the strongest “yes” and the strongest “no” of any woman I know. And I meant it. She’s an amazing woman. But I know it takes practice to get where she is now. And she’s earned that strength!

For those of us who don’t want to build strength in quite the same way, and I’d advise against it if you can, there are other ways. Start with small “no” and small “yes”. Someone asks you for something way outside of your job description that you have a clear reason to say no to. Then say, “No”. This post from Forbes has some examples of how to say no.

I mean, for me, I wouldn’t necessarily add that much information in all the time, but that’s personal choice. For me, “Sorry, I have a personal commitment that evening” should be enough for anyone to leave you alone. And, over-explaining will give them avenues to pursue to talk you out of it. But, this is a balance. Just saying “no”, while acceptable, can feel rude. So, coming up with the balance you feel comfortable with is essential here.

Which, again, takes practice.

And, the “yes” reflex takes as much work to build as the “no” reflex. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you gave yourself a really firm, strong YES? For something for you. Just for you. No one else. When was the last time you said no to someone else, so you could say yes to you?

Immediate action to take

What’s one thing you can do right now to set a boundary this week which will benefit you?

Now, I’m not talking about taking time off to do the laundry or something like that. That sort of thing always gets done one way or another.

I’m talking about a “yes” for you. Can you give yourself the time to have a bath? Spend some time, uninterrupted, reading? Have a lie on? Go to bed early? Have a massage or a facial or some lovely treatment?

Saying no to others will come in time. But saying yes to yourself is so much more important!