EngineerHer

Honestly? No.

But there are nuances to this question.

Someone you work with day in, day out

Here are some tough decisions to make. Because the people you work with day in, day out are the ones that can have the greatest cumulative effect on your mental health. It is possible to find a way to work with them, though.

I found myself in this situation early in my career, when I was working with men who had granddaughters older than I was. And I was never going to educate them – they saw themselves as knowing what they needed to know… So, I slipped into the “survival by benevolent patriarchy” routine. I smiled, spoke to them, joked with them, allowed them to do the heavy work, all the things they wanted to do anyway.

Anytime I had to bring in a change, I made sure the ringleader knew what was coming and agreed to it, before I made the change. I baked scones. And brownies. I asked their opinions of boyfriend prospects. It wasn’t even pre-meditated, I just fell into the routine for survival. And with those sorts of age differences, this can work in the short term.

But when the age gap isn’t so generous? Or when the misogynist is the same age or younger than you? Set your boundaries. Keep track of the form the sexism takes. Whether it’s the team member who always “assumes” you’ll take care of the team party organisation, or the manager who doesn’t put your forward for the difficult projects, keep track.

And for the team member, you can just say, sorry, I can’t do that this time, I’m too busy on X project. Lie if you have to.

With the manager? Well, it’s more tricky. Have a meeting to outline why you are perfect for a given project. Take notes. Then have a chat with the project leader, or the person sponsoring the project, outlining your interest and the value you can bring. No harm if it ends up with a bit of mentorship as well.

Always, always keep notes. And if it goes on too long – there are other jobs out there.

Essentially, with someone you have to work with all the time, draw your boundaries. If that means being the kill-joy, being no craic, whatever – but it’s easier on your mental health not to listen to off-colour jokes or putting up with “friendly banter” that’s anything but – then do it. Say it’s not acceptable. Say you don’t want to hear jokes or banter like that. Call them out if it’s safe for you to do so.

Sadly, much sexism is far less obvious than that these days, but on we go.

A contractor or fixed term employee

This one is easier to me, especially if you are a permanent employee. Most organisations have diversity and inclusion policies now and a clear conversation about what is and isn’t acceptable should be sufficient here.

If it’s not, a call to their manager should solve the problem. But be sure to have concrete examples of the behaviour you’re not happy about. And indeed a conversation with your own manager to say this is the behaviour, this is what I’ve done to address. This sort of feedback is essential to stopping further occurrences.

Noticed some similarities here, have you?

Well, the first step is nearly always to identify the behaviour or words or jokes that are bothering you. (Honestly, this goes for anything that bothers you at work, not just the misogyny.)

Next, have a clear conversation with the person who’s displaying the behaviour to ask them to stop. It helps at this point if you explain why. And record it, even if it’s only in your own notebook. But jot down somewhere that you had this conversation, where, when and an overview of what was said.

If the behaviour stops there, brilliant. If it doesn’t, or if it generates a new form of behaviour such as the whole genre of “I can’t say anything anymore for fear of upsetting X” , then let’s move on to the next step.

These days, I approach these types of behaviour fairly directly. But you may not feel comfortable doing that. That’s ok. If someone says “Oh, I can’t say that for fear of upsetting X”, I’ve found a great way to respond is “Oh I heard my name, but not the rest, what were you saying?” They’ll either dig themselves deeper or shut up.

If they dig themselves deeper, then address it like “You’re right, I don’t feel that has any place in a professional workplace” and move on from there.

If the “it’s only a joke” crowd chime in – escalate it. I mean, get someone this group respects involved. This may or may not be their or your manager. Or it might be a senior member of the team, an outsider to the team altogether… who do those people respect? And ask them to see if they can mention anything.

As a last resort, you can always reach out to HR, but that leads to other problems, that I may address another day. But you can rest assured, any decent HR department would be clear on what is and isn’t professional behaviour… or they should be!

Fundamentally?

It’s not and never is your job to educate a misogynist. But in male dominated spaces they are more prevalent, in my experience, than in spaces where the genders are more equal in numbers. Or at least, they’re quieter in those spaces.

But sometimes, you might need to have some facts and figures at your back to help you. The facts and figures that support you will differ according to the situation, but knowing your shit always helps.

As does being good at your job. But frankly, we’ve covered that issue before now, haven’t we?