EngineerHer

It’s easy sometimes to build a relationship with a manager. At other times, it’s so difficult it feels like Sisyphean task. (Along with cooking, cleaning and anything else that is just neverending…)

But, it’s also one of the most valuable relationships you can cultivate in work. Seriously. Yeah, I know, when you’re starting out, this doesn’t always seem the case – just do as you’re told and everything works out, right? Not so much. And especially not so much as you advance in seniority and experience.

Where to start?

This depends on you. Over the years, I’ve found it useful to be upfront with my manager, usually from the interview on, with my boundaries and life stuff that will affect my work. So, I point out at interview stage that I am stubborn as hell. Persistent is the nice word, but I do point out that I get the stubbornness from both sides of the family.

Pretty early on, not usually at interview stage, but certainly within the first month or so of work, I mention that I see a counsellor once a month for my mental health. I will also mention that my husband has health problems that might, on occasion, lead to me leaving the office abruptly. (It is extremely rare these days, but better off having people aware, in my opinion)

I know there are people reading this in horror, thinking these are personal issues that have no place in the workplace. Maybe. But it would require the site burning down for me to miss my counsellor appointment. Actually – maybe not even then… It’s important for your manager to know you, your boundaries and limits.

But I have the privilege of confidence in my abilities, my skills, my competences. It’s relatively easy for me to have these conversations these days, because I’ve had them so often as well. And I no longer want to work for organisations that don’t support employees with additional needs, whether that is personal, physical needs or wider family, community

Get to know your manager

These days I spend a lot of time getting to know my manager. How they want to receive information, how much detail they want in any interaction, how often they want touchpoints, when they want to hear about potential issues, all sorts of things.

In my own team, I have a practice of sharing any recent assessments I’ve done, like Belbin team roles, Clifton Strengthsfinder, that sort of thing. It helps them get to know me and what I’m about.

It also provides for some fairly entertaining team discussions!

But not all managers are that open, or if they are open, their self awareness isn’t always brilliant. (For all my recent managers – this isn’t you!)

So, you need to read their reactions. Something I’m not always fantastic on – I can see several previous managers of mine chuckling at that understatement. But again, this is a skill that can be learned. (And I swear I’m practicing!)

As a manager, I make an effort to ask my people to email me with something they want me to action, but that won’t be done by end of day. (Yes, I am Gen X and my inbox is my to-do list). Your manager may be different. Ask them whether they prefer verbal or written updates.

Tougher managers

Now, when I say “tougher”, I really mean, “less explicit” or “more vague” about their preferences. If you ask them a question about how they prefer updates and you get an answer like “I don’t care” or “just use the usual channels”… well, that’s less than helpful. Here’s where other people who have to deal with the manager helps. Ask them how they deal with this particular manager.

What works best in terms of communication? My team know asking me to make a decision before I’ve had coffee is a bad idea. They also know that when I say “I’m under pressure for a few things this afternoon” that’s a sign to delay any unnecessary conversations til the next day. I actively encourage them to be direct with me about these things.

But even if your manager isn’t like this, they will have made their preferences known. You might get told it’s best to send an email after every meeting to highlight key points and next steps agreed. You might get told you never get holidays approved, so just assume they have been. Your colleagues can help a lot with this.

If there’s no one to ask – then it’s a trial and error approach. Try something for, say 2 weeks, and see how they react. If it’s positive, keep going. If it’s negative, try something else. If it’s mixed, see if you can determine patterns.

Social side

It’s a lot easier, in my opinion, to build a relationship with a manager if you can find some common ground. Now, I’ve had very successful working relationships with managers that I’ve had zero in common with, other than the work. But we were both able to explore the others’ interests as part of that relationship. So, I had one manager who knew I had asked for a specific day off precisely because a long-awaited book had come out. (Yes, I occasionally take days off purely to read.)

He asked me when I came back had it lived up to expectations and had a conversation with me about it. It’s something that meant so much to me and something I have endeavoured to copy since.

If you have a golf-mad manager, maybe try and remember to ask how their game went at the weekend. If they’re mad into DIY, ask about their latest project. If nothing else, if they have children that’s usually a safe bet to ask about.

This takes effort

Especially as women in engineering, it can be difficult building relationships with people who we can have very little in common with outside of work. But, since your relationship with your manager is probably your most important at work, it’s worth putting the effort in.

I once had an appointment in my diary to connect with my manager on a regular basis, until I got into the habit of it. Seriously. I was just so used to not talking to anyone at that point in my life, that I had to remind myself to do it.

Don’t be embarrassed if you’re the same. No one else has to know. Most shared calendars show whether you are free or not free. They don’t tend to share the details. Or just mark it private.

This is a habit and a skill like any other. Spend the time. Make the investment. The payoff will be worth it.