EngineerHer

As women in engineering, we often find ourselves navigating a male-dominated field while juggling various responsibilities. It’s essential to recognize that emotions are a natural part of being human, and it’s perfectly okay to feel them. In this blog post, we’ll explore how women engineers can maintain emotional control at work while embracing their feelings.

Now first off, not just women feel emotions. Men do too. No really.

It’s just that traditionally, men’s emotions in the workplace have been considered more acceptable, more professional. After all, it’s understandable that a man might get frustrated occasionally and punch a wall or slam a table or whatever.

Right?

Right?

New territory

Well, the truth of the matter is that there is a new paradigm in workplaces where we are all encouraged to bring our whole selves to work. And navigating this new territory can prove a bit difficult. Especially when, like me, you are predisposed to cry to express any strong emotion.

Frustration? Cry.

Anger? Cry.

Sad? Cry.

Happy? Cry.

Seriously. And it’s not great in the middle of meetings to be sitting there with tears rolling down your face. But I’ve done it. I’ve snapped at people that just because I’m crying doesn’t mean my brain has stopped working. I’ve tried explaining it’s pure rage that’s boiling my veins.

It doesn’t work.

Particularly in engineering, where women aren’t so common in the first place, this just marks us out as “less professional”, or “not able for it”, or – my favourite – “too emotional”.

Well, yes, caring about doing the best job I can do is detrimental to my performance alright.

What to do?

Well, here’s the thing. Over the years, I’ve stopped apologising for crying. It usually means previous signs have been ignored, I’m under significant stress and the proverbial is really hitting the fan.

And the less I apologise for it, the less fuss is made over it. But I accept that this doesn’t work for everyone, especially if you’re early in your career.

Longer term? I’ve found the usual stress management techniques in general work really well. Getting enough good quality sleep, drinking enough water, eating a nutritious diet for you, getting enough fresh air and movement. These pillars really help minimise the effects of stress and displays of emotion in work.

But there’s times when all the sleep in the world wouldn’t help n the moment. So what to do then?

Tips for emotion management in the moment

The emotions box

One of the best tips I every got was from an anti-diet group. It’s called the emotions box. Now, first and foremost – squishing down emotions and ignoring them doesn’t work in the long run. A lot of the time, it doesn’t work in the short run either. And that isn’t what this is.

It is a way to contain emotions in the moment though.

First off, you’re going to design your emotions box. This can be as plain or as fancy as you like. Mine is a good quality wooden box with a hinged lid. Sturdy, dependable, solid. (It can be whatever you like. I know one person has an otter0-shaped box!)

Then you’re going to practice putting emotions into the box and – crucially – taking them back out again. Yeah, the second bit is the important bit, long term. It can feel weird at the start, but this really works. My emotions usually feel like fluffy cloud-like things. The bigger the emotion, the harder it is to squish into the box. (In my experience, anyway)

The idea is that you push the emotion into the box at the time it’s happening and then make a commitment to sit down later and feel the emotion to the fullest extent you can. That second bit is the absolutely crucial part. You must sit with the emotion later, otherwise you end up denying your emotions and that way lies mental health issues.

Pinching yourself

People advise pinching yourself between your thumb and forefinger, but I’ve found that a good hard pinch anywhere you can manage it can help a lot.

It’s like the “traditional” slap to the face to “control hysteria”. (There’s a lot of misogyny in that, but the effects are similar)

Honestly, this really helps a lot, when the tears are brimming. But it needs to be a really hard pinch.

Blinking… or not…

If you’re already crying, blinking really hard and fast can help a bit.

If you’re not already crying, but you can feel the tears brimming, try not to blink at all.

Neither is fool proof, but they help.

Cold Water

Either washing your face in water as cold as you can stand or taking some sips of water can help you regulate a bit.

Both will help when you’re already crying as well. I don’t know why, but my eyes get really hot when I’m angry and about to cry, so cold water helps cool down and alleviate the imminent danger.

But remember

Look, I hope these tactics can help you. In the moment, it can be so difficult especially when you’re the only woman in the room and already fight against stereotypes.

If you find yourself constantly needing these techniques, maybe it’s time for a move. Seriously. Ideally, you will never need these.

But remember, it’s ok to cry. I’ve had senior managers tell me out straight that it’s “less upsetting” to the rest of the meeting when the man opposite me turned around and punched the wall, while shouting, than it was to see me crying as a result of those actions. (Yeah, I left that organisation)

We’re asked to bring our whole selves to work these days. And of course, we get to choose how much or how little of ourselves we choose to share with our colleagues. That’s ok.

But, don’t be afraid to cry. Honestly, contraindicatory as it might seem, being less worried about crying will actually lead to less of it…

And if you are in a place where crying is such an every day part of your life, you’re thinking of just rearranging your calendar to accommodate it, get in touch. There are better options out there.