EngineerHer

I know – the term “benevolent sexism” seems like an oxymoron. And it is. But it still exists, so here we are.

What is benevolent sexism?

Benevolent sexism can masquerade as positive or chivalrous behaviour. (Don’t get me started on chivalry as a means to hold back women!) Essentially, it is a type of sexism that appears to be positive but plays into sexist stereotypes and essentially, provides a cover of sorts to someone appearing to support, but actually suppressing, a person’s progress. This article, in the Harvard Business review, describes it better:

…men like the ones described above are likely to respond to sexist workplace comments with “benevolent sexism”: attitudes, practices, and actions that seem positive — such as aid, flattery, and rewards — but that undercut their goal of supporting women at work, often under the pretense of providing them with help, protection, compliments, and affection.

Dismantling “Benevolent” Sexism
by Negin Sattari, Sarah H. DiMuccio, Joy Ohm, and Jose M. Romero
June 08, 2022

Now, before the rain starts – not all men. OK? I know. There are many men, and I’ve had the privilege of working with many of them as well, who actively work to address all sorts of sexism in the workplace, including the behaviours covered under the heading of “benevolent”. So, if the shoe doesn’t fit… don’t wear it?

But many men may not even realise that they’re engaging in these behaviours. Seriously. The expressions of this sort of behaviour can include gender-specific compliments, protective behavior, or assumptions about women’s capabilities based on traditional gender roles. For example, if a woman is up for promotion, but the managers deciding on the candidates decide she shouldn’t be exposed to the atmosphere in that area. Or, if a woman is always complimented on behaviour relating to traditionally “feminine” skills that are not part of her job description: meeting minutes, event organisation, being the “listener” or “counsellor” for the team when it’s not part of her role.

Where does this come from?

The article quoted above highlights three misbeliefs it sees as at the root of this sort of sexism:

• Men are responsible for women.
• Men and women are different and complementary.
• Men’s personal lives depend on women.

Now, this is reducing everyone to their gender and that rarely if ever helps. For a start, women are not the docile, delicate little flowers some men believe them to be. Anyone who has heard me in the middle of a… let’s call it a heated debate, will certainly not see me as docile, delicate, little or a flower. (I can almost feel past and present managers agreeing wholeheartedly at this. And in one or two cases, shuddering at the memories…) This can materialise when women are excluded from tough assignments or ones involving travel because they have family commitments – without even consulting with the women in question as to whether they can complete the assignment. Or else, not believing the woman when she says she can complete it.

The idea that men and women have complimentary talents and skills is, again, reducing many learned skills to gender. Honestly, my husband would starve if he was depending on me to feed him. Thankfully, he’s a good cook. Women are traditionally considered nurturers and caregivers – the idea that this is as the result of social constraints rather than inherent talent never appears to occur to people! No one, as far as I know, is born knowing how to change a nappy. Or born knowing how to engage a disparate team.

Finally, the idea that men’s personal lives depend on women for success. Honestly aside from leaving out the many people in this world who don’t conform to the heterosexual couple stereotype, bad enough in itself, this is plain daft. Are men really so ridiculously incapable that they can’t manage their own personal lives? And equally, a woman’s role in life is not to support her husband. If she has one. So, y’know, asking if a woman’s husband will mind if she works late or takes on more responsibilities… it’s not on.

What can we do?

Well, if you’re in a position to do so – call it out. I mean, you don’t have to yell at a senior leader in the middle of an interdepartmental meeting or anything, but if you see behaviour in work – not just benevolent sexist behaviour to be fair – and you’re in a position to do so, speak to the person showing the behaviour.

A colleague of mine did this a while ago, when he witnessed 3 senior leaders either engaging in (2 of them) or witnessing (the third) behaviour that was not in line with the expectations of the workplace. He didn’t say anything in the meeting, because emotions were running high to say the least. However, he did take the time afterwards, to speak directly to the person directly affected by the behaviour, and to the three leaders about what he saw, what was wrong and what standards it didn’t meet. Quietly, behind the scenes, but the behaviour was addressed as well.

Possibly, building awareness that this sort of behaviour is not supportive is most important. If people aren’t aware of the problem, it’s difficult to change it. And while sometimes, it might be more appropriate to take the steps as outlined above, at other times, it might be better to tackle it at the time. For example, if you’re in a meeting with one or two others, discussing whether a woman is ready to take on new responsibility and someone questions her ability, given her family situation – speak up there and then. That won’t get better for waiting!

Have a bit of a think as well. I don’t know about you, but there are plenty of times when I don’t think of the right thing to say in the minute and a bit of practice for certain difficult situations is worth a lot. So, maybe have a think about what you might say in the moment, and then you won’t be caught short at the time. Even if it’s a leading question… think of the situation above, where someone is assuming because a woman has a family, she can’t take on more responsibility. A simple ” we could ask her how she feels about taking this on” might get the conversation back on track.

I see the next option happening more and more in the workplace and it’s brilliant to see.

Focus on women employees’ competencies rather than on traits such as style or appearance. Give feedback related to work results and objective goals instead of characteristics stereotypically associated with women, such as warmth or likeability.

Dismantling “Benevolent” Sexism
by Negin Sattari, Sarah H. DiMuccio, Joy Ohm, and Jose M. Romero
June 08, 2022

Seriously. When you’re giving feedback, think about the work results and goals, not on whether the woman in question has nice hair. (Feedback given in a performance review, many years ago now, to a friend of mine!) Look at what she’s achieved and how she’s achieved it.

Now, of course, if a woman comes in and says “what do you think of my new hair”, the correct reply is “you look great”. Or possibly “wow, that colour is a huge change, but I like it”. Things to that effect. But wait til she damn well asks…

Conclusion

There will always be exceptions for every rule. And of course the #notallmen hashtag applies here. I get it. But the reason we need to speak openly about benevolent sexism is because it is so insidious. It’s so easy to pass under the radar.

And, I don’t want people spiraling into chaos trying to figure out whether a certain discussion is based on sexism or not. Go back to the facts, the process. Take the emotion out of it. (Great advice from a manager of mine!) Look at the results.

Of course, as good leaders, you have to take into account the mood and mental health of a team member, but don’t be making assumptions. Ask the person in question. Particularly if it’s a woman. Assume if they have applied for a role, they know what they have applied for and they are ready to do the job. Gender really shouldn’t come into what tasks a person in the workplace is able to do at all!!