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Guilt is a big one this time of year. It creeps in quietly and before you know it, you’re juggling family expectations, gift lists, and traditions while feeling like you’re failing everyone. Today, let’s talk about how to manage that guilt and keep it from running the show.

Guilt vs. Shame

These two often get mixed up. Psychology Today explains it well:

• Guilt: Linked to a specific harm, real or perceived.
• Shame: Negative feelings about yourself more generally.

Guilt can sometimes be useful—it helps us develop social conscience and maintain relationships. But that’s not the guilt we’re talking about here. Holiday guilt often spirals into shame, and both can contribute to stress or even mental health struggles.

Why Holidays Amplify Guilt

This season is full of conflicting priorities:

• The cost of presents
• Making sure kids don’t get duplicate gifts
• Time pressures
• Family members feeling left out
• The endless list of holiday “must-dos”
• Feeling resentful about all of it… then guilty about the resentment… then angry about the guilt… then guilty about the anger

Sound familiar? It’s a spiral. So, what can you do?

Step 1: Identify Where Guilt Shows Up

For most of us, it’s around family expectations. Many people have fixed ideas about what the holidays should look like, and any deviation feels like a betrayal. If you’re the one making changes—new traditions, less travel, smaller gatherings—you might face guilt-tripping on a massive scale.

Common triggers:

• Kids don’t get the toys they want
• Parents or in-laws feel you didn’t spend enough time with them
• Gift exchanges feel unequal

The second one? That’s the killer.

Step 2: Decide What Really Matters to You

Ask yourself:

• Do you want a house full of people, chaotic but full of love?
• A quiet day with no phones?
• A grand feast with everyone around the table?

For example, my husband’s essential holiday tradition is the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Mine? Two solid days away from work to read and watch films. It took time to get here, but we decided early on to build our own traditions.

Once expectations are set, changing them takes effort—but it’s possible. Start small. Pick one thing that’s truly important to you this year and claim it.

Step 3: Communicate and Set Boundaries

Talk to those affected. Be clear and realistic. While flying everyone to Lanzarote might sound amazing, it’s probably not feasible. But carving out an hour for yourself? That’s doable.

Step 4: Handle Guilt Head-On

Someone else trying to guilt you doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Keep these phrases handy:

• “I hear that this matters to you. Here’s what I can realistically do.”
• “I appreciate how much you care about family traditions. I need to do what works for my family this year.”
• “I understand this is disappointing. My decision is not about you, it’s about what’s best for me right now.”
• “I love you and want to enjoy our time together. That means I need to set this boundary so I don’t feel overwhelmed.”
• “I can’t do everything you’re asking, but here’s what I can offer.”

Adapt these to your situation:

• “I know you love everyone being together on Christmas Day. It’s a 3-hour round trip and we’ll be exhausted. How about the 28th instead?”
• “I understand you’ve always gone to Midnight Mass. For us, it’s more important the kids get to bed before 9pm.”
• “I finish work on Christmas Eve and I’m back in on the 27th. I need to crash those few days so I don’t burn out.”

Step 5: Make Space for Joy

Don’t let guilt eat up your holidays. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Plan time for what matters most to you. And if this year feels messy? That’s okay. Do better next year.

Bottom line: Guilt doesn’t make the holidays better. Clear boundaries and intentional choices do. Give yourself permission to enjoy the season on your terms.