EngineerHer

Years ago, I attended my first UCD Women in Leadership Conference. It was a huge deal for me, I was massively excited, really anticipated powerful conversations and key insights. And, I got them.

But a recurring theme through the offline conversations and many of the sessions was the importance of choosing the right life partner, when you are woman in leadership. And this week, that has really rang true for me.

I knew it was important for all sorts of reasons, but there are key reasons it’s particularly important for women in leadership, or those aspiring to leadership. Back in 2019, Forbes published a really interesting article based around the idea that the Patriarchy created the 9-5 workday, with the idea that the men in the workplace would have someone at home picking up the pieces.

it’s true, we all know it’s a damn sight easier to get things done at work, when the issues at home are taken care of. But, as women, that gets harder. Because a lot of the emotional and mental load land on us.

Honestly, it makes me grateful to have a flexible and competent husband.

Are these partners born or made?

Well, ok I’m going to go with “made” on that question. No one, man or woman, is born with an intuitive knowledge of how to keep track of whether we need washing powder, or how the tea bag situation is going. That’s something we learn, usually as teenagers or adults. But we all also know there are adults, usually men, out there that are apparently incapable of cooking themselves dinner from what’s in the fridge, never mind organising to make sure the food makes it from the supermarket to the fridge.

But there is hope.

I repeat – I genuinely have no idea when the last time I had to get washing powder was. It’s so basic, but darlin husband takes care of it. Now, to be fair, he’s also at home and not working – health issues, don’t even start, brings their own issues – but still. I know plenty of women who are working as many or more hours as their husband and still keeping all the mental load.

So, here’s a list to consider:

• Who keeps track of school dates?
• Who schedules and manages doctor’s appointments, dentists appointments, birthday parties?
• Who arranges the buying of presents?
• Who writes out the shopping list?
• Who does the shopping?
• Who keeps track of the basics, like washing powder, and when they need to be replaced?
• Who looks after the house work, the dishwasher, the clothes manangement?
• Who decides what’s for dinner? Never mind cooking it, that’s the easy bit in many ways…

For most women I know – it’s them. And this takes time and energy and bandwidth away from other things. Whether it’s self care, work, self development… when you’re turning into a second shift as soon as the work day finishes, with less support than you get in work, it’s not good.

Partners are trainable

And a lot of women say to me, it’s easier to do it myself. And sure, it probably is – in the short term.

But in the long term?

I’ve gone through the days on end of no washing being done cos I was standing my ground and not buying the washing powder. And yes, it feels petty. It feels childish. But dammit, if you keep buying the washing powder, what prompt has your partner to start taking charge?

(I know I’m mentioning washing powder a lot in this post. It’s not that big a deal really, but if I mentioned some of the things that have been big deals, my blood pressure will rise. So, we’re sticking with some of the low stakes items.)

I fully agree, that in the short term, just doing the thing yourself is the easiest answer. But that just lays the way for longer term pain.

How to do differently though?

Ideally…

Ideally, you’ll have a partner you can sit down and divvy up household tasks with. And for the love of all you hold holy – remember some tasks are one and done, others are continual for ever. Bringing the bins out once a week is NOT the same as doing the laundry.

But, if you can sit down with your partner and consider who can do what and when, it helps a lot. The first few weeks my husband had to do the weekly shop was a shock to him. He was focused completely on dinners – which meant we had nothing for breakfast and lunch. He learned. Patience is a virtue, remember (for those how are Catholics, anyway)

So think about how much time ye each want to spend at home, in work, with kids, with family, with friends. Gonna be honest, my ideal situation is doing zero housework. But funds don’t stretch that far.

So, we break things up and we each have broad areas we tackle on a semi regular basis.

It’s not equal. And it’s a moveable feast given said husband’s health issues. But it’s a damn site better than it used to be! And we’ve each learned that we have foibles that may or may not be adhered to. I accept that the laundry basket will rarely be empty. Husband has accepted that I don’t consider piles of books to be mess. Both of us accept we can live with dust unless we pay someone to dust.

And yes, paid help is ok

Whether it’s for a seasonal clean up, regular housework, weeding, gutter cleaning, whatever it is – we’ve learned to be extremely adaptable in the whole “paid help” area. We have a regular fortnightly cleaning visit. Someone cuts out grass and does a seasonal removal of greenery before it closes over the house completely.

We’re extremely lucky to afford this, of course. We accept that. But it’s also part of self care and part of me having time to do what I need to do in work etc.

Maybe that isn’t what would work for you. Maybe it’s babysitting. Maybe it’s sending clothes out to be cleaned. Using one of the giant cleaners in the laundromat. Don’t worry about it if you need to pay for help like this. It’s important to consider your whole self when you’re working through a redistribution of jobs.

What I do know

I was away from home for 2 nights last week and on two other night, I came home and went straight to bed. That would be torture if we had kids, but even without them, it’s not easy. But I know Al will have the house still going at home. And he’s willing to put up with me being absent, mentally or physically, at times. This week – audit going on. Likely I’m going to be on autopilot at home.

(Actually, I think he’s happy enough when I’m not home occasionally, gives him time to catch up on the telly I refuse to watch. )

I know, without my husband supporting me – emotionally and practically – I would not have the career I have. And while I’ve focused on housework here, because it’s an easy example, it’s the emotional safety as well that matters. To be able to come home and admit to a bad day and just talk about it, without being told what I did wrong or how I could improve things… it’s massive.

Being able to text home saying, “hey, gonna be away from home on Thursday” and it be a complete non-issue? Priceless. Having him pack a bag for me in an emergency? Again, priceless. Having him be there, accepting, working with me to make this work?

It’s possible. It’s achievable. Training is hard, but worth it.

What’s stopping you?