EngineerHer

Very often as women, we are warned against showing emotion in the workplace. I’ve written about this before on the blog. But there are times when we can use our emotions, in particular, anger, to effect change and drive ourselves to do things differently.

Want to know how I know?

I’ve done it.

Anger doesn’t feel natural

I spent decades in my life claiming I “didn’t feel anger“. I firmly believed this. I had no physical or visible signs of anger.

Upset – oh yes.

Frustration? I’ve cried so many tears of frustration, you wouldn’t believe!

But anger? No. I didn’t feel anger.

It wasn’t appropriate. Anger was violent. Clenched fists. Gritted teeth. Tight chest. Red-faced. Trembling. Shaking. Heart pounding. Heat rising.

And while I often experienced these things in work, I never labelled it as anger.

it took quite literally, decades of therapy and shadow work and all sorts of stuff for me to recognise anger in myself.

And then I started feeling it. Deep in my bones. I felt angry at so many people.

• the manager who deliberately marked me down in appraisals while giving no feedback on how to improve.
• the colleagues who had physically intimidated me and threatened me.
• the colleagues who had assaulted me when I was too afraid to report it.
• the teams that wallpapered their offices and workshops with pictures of naked women.
• the colleagues who literally patted me on my head when I raised a concern and told me “not to worry, they knew how to deal with it”
• the ones who belittled
• the ones who berated
• the ones who saw it all happening and ignored it or told me I was imagining it…

The anger was visceral.

It was also useless.

Useless?

Yeah, useless. I wasn’t able to do anything with it.

I had to process all this anger, so I could get to the point of it being useful.

Y’see, this anger was all-consuming. It didn’t leave space for my brain to think. I had no bandwidth for figuring out what to do.

All I could think of was the rage.

So, I processed.

I threw ice against walls. (Just make sure no kids or animals around to get hit with splinters) I journaled. I meditated. I danced. I scrubbed.

Seriously – it’s amazing how clean a house can get because of rage. But folding laundry is not the most sensible – clothes are too easily tearable. Or they were for me anyway.

The point is, I worked my through all the anger.

And eventually, I got to the point where I could direct and use the anger as energy.

Useful anger

Useful. Yes.

When we harness anger with intention, it can serve as a powerful ally. It’s a sign that something isn’t right. It can range from all the crap I experienced (and listed above) to the more “mundane” options of being talked over in meetings, or watching our ideas being ignored until they are declaimed by a male colleague.

I know the instinct is to repress anger. But it’s not always the best way. When we use the anger as fuel to drive change, it can be extremely powerful and effective.

I have used anger to give me the energy to speak up, challenge, advocate for myself and for others. I have used anger to give me the energy to clarify my values, drive action and push myself out of my comfort zone into an arena that actually help people.

Anger can drive the start up of a employee resource group. To act as champion for another female engineer. To join a professional body and drive change.

There’s a quote going around Facebook right now about how no oppressed group ever gained equality or equity by asking nicely. And there’s a lot of truth in that. Anger drives resistance in ways that peace and contentment do not. What’s there to resist against when there is no anger?

What can you do with your anger?

OK, I’ll admit, that heading into HR or your manager or whoever you want to scream at, with blood boiling and emotions running high is not the most sensible. In fact, it can be seriously counter productive.

However. You can use your anger to speak up in a calm and rational mannger. “I see what is happening here and I will not be silent.”

Sometimes, this means a quite word with a manager who has influence over the situation. Other times it means getting together with other people in the situation and developing strategies and methods for either bypassing the shit or eliminating it.

When paired with strategy and community, anger becomes transformative. (Plus, dealing with your anger and using it, helps contain cortisol levels, which has all sorts of health benefits!!)

this can lead to better policies, more inclusive cultures, and a deeper sense of purpose. For women engineers, anger is not the enemy of professionalism — it’s often the beginning of leadership.

So, will you admit to feeling angry?

And will you use it?