EngineerHer

Last week’s post was about taking up space and not feeling small. I got a lot of comments wondering how you’d recognise when you’re feeling small. So, here you go!

You might not even realise it’s happening.

Feeling small doesn’t always look like hiding under your desk or avoiding eye contact. Sometimes, it’s subtle. It’s the quiet voice in your head that says, “Don’t bother them,” or “You’re probably not good enough for that.” It’s the habit of shrinking yourself to fit into spaces that were never designed with you in mind.

Let’s talk about how feeling small shows up—and what it can cost you.

Saying “Yes” When You Mean “No”

You say yes to the extra task, the late meeting, the thing you really don’t want to do. You don’t want to seem difficult. You don’t want to rock the boat. But here’s the thing: every time you say yes when you mean no, you’re teaching people that your boundaries are optional.

What it costs you: Time, energy, and eventually, your sanity. Also, a reputation for being the person who’ll always pick up the slack—whether you want to or not.

Avoiding Visibility

You don’t speak up in meetings. You don’t volunteer for panels or presentations. You let others take credit for ideas you contributed to. You tell yourself you’re just being humble.

What it costs you: Recognition. Opportunities. Progression. People can’t support what they don’t see.

Downplaying Your Achievements

You brush off compliments. You say things like, “It was nothing,” or “I just got lucky.” You hesitate to share your wins because you don’t want to seem arrogant.

What it costs you: Confidence. Influence. The chance to inspire others who need to see someone like you succeeding.

Over-Apologising

You say sorry for asking a question. Sorry for taking up time. Sorry for existing in a room. You apologise for things that don’t require an apology.

What it costs you: Authority. Respect. And the ability to be taken seriously.

Not Asking for What You Want

You don’t ask for the raise, the training, the mentorship, the opportunity. You wait to be noticed. You wait to be invited.

What it costs you: Everything you’re hoping for. Because silence doesn’t get you picked.

Internalising Criticism

You take feedback as a personal failure. You replay mistakes in your head for days. You let one negative comment outweigh a dozen positive ones.

What it costs you: Your self-worth. Your momentum. Your ability to bounce back.

Avoiding Conflict

You let things slide. You don’t challenge unfair decisions. You stay silent when someone crosses a line.

What it costs you: Integrity. Trust in yourself. And the chance to make things better—for you and for others.

Reclaiming Your Space

Feeling small isn’t a personality trait—it’s a learned behaviour. And like all learned behaviours, it can be unlearned.

It starts with noticing. Then challenging. Then choosing differently.

You don’t have to be loud to be heard. You don’t have to be perfect to be valuable. You just have to show up—as you are—and take up the space you deserve.

And yes, it might feel awkward at first. You might need to plan it out. You might need to rehearse what you want to say. You might chicken out a few times. But eventually, you’ll say it. And you’ll realise no one is jumping up and down at your audacity. In fact, they might be nodding. Listening. Agreeing.

You might even find that what you say makes sense.

So don’t hide. Don’t fade into the background when you want progression, engagement, opportunities.

Step forward. Do the thing.

Take up the space.