EngineerHer

I know, this isn’t something you’d expect to be seeing on a blog about women in engineering, but bear with me. This is actually a fairly important topic to be considering. Especially, sad to say, when we’re coming into Christmas party season (or already in Christmas party season) and there are times when possibly, just possibly, people might have drink taken and take action they wouldn’t normally dream of. So here we go!

Just a note: Your personal horror show might not be in Christmas party season. It might be in Yule season, Winter Solstice season, Kwanzaa season, Hannukkah season or any of the other many festivals, religious celebrations and other holidays in December. And I’m no knocking any of them. Particularly with those of us in the parts of the Northern Hemisphere where seasons exist, we need these parties or celebrations. But that doesn’t mean we all have to celebrate in exactly the same way or accept behaviour we don’t deem appropriate.

What is personal sovereignty?

Personal sovereignty refers to the concept of having full control and authority over one’s own life and decisions. It involves being clear about your values, boundaries, and the ways you allow others to interact with you. For a woman in engineering facing workplace biases, personal sovereignty means:

1. Self-Awareness: Understanding your strengths, weaknesses, and the unique value you bring to your role.
2. Boundaries: Setting and maintaining clear boundaries around acceptable behaviour and interactions at work.
3. Autonomy: Making decisions that align with your personal and professional goals without undue influence from others.
4. Confidence: Trusting in your abilities and standing firm in your convictions, even in the face of bias or discrimination.
5. Advocacy: Being able to advocate for yourself and others, ensuring that your voice is heard and respected.

This concept is crucial for overcoming barriers and advancing in your career, as it empowers you to navigate challenges with clarity and confidence.

(I know, it’s almost like I thought about this, before putting together my six step process for moving past the visible and invisible barriers to women in the engineering workplace.

Great, thanks, but how does this manifest in party season?

Well, starts, as always, with knowing yourself. You get to decide where you go, what travel arrangements you make, whether you drink or not, how many drinks you have, etc. Now, I say “you get to decide”, but let’s explore how that works in more detail, shall we?

Alcohol is probably the first one to crop up. Now, I have no problem having a drink on a work night out. I’ll happily down a few cocktails with my team or the wider site. It’s part of bonding, part of getting to know people, and honestly, it makes it easier for me to socialise. But I have some limits for myself.

I tend to go for cocktails these days and set a budget for myself. That means I take in less alcohol than I would with wine or beer. And it’s easier to drink said cocktails – people usually don’t ask you to down a cocktail in the same way they will with a pint. And, I love a good margarita.

Of course, if it’s a free bar… Well first off, where are you working? And second of all, then I usually put a time limit on the amount I’m drinking. One drink every 45mins works very well for me. But your mileage may vary.

Is it really fully under your control?

There are times when you have to make difficult choices. It’s very easy for a woman in a male-dominated industry to be seen as “dry” or “no craic”. And it’s easy to be seen as less of a team player for not engaging in the drinking culture that emerges from some engineering environments. That can have an impact on your career. Which, let’s face it, is probably important to you if you’re reading this.

So what to do? This is where compromise comes in. I mean, a claim of being on antibiotics will usually get you out of any major drinking sessions. Unless you get some one who knows about the “antibiotics they give to alcoholics”. (alcohol does hinder the effects of antibiotics though, and drinking isn’t usually advised when taking them).

You can practice phrases to stave off any pressure.

• “I appreciate the offer, but I’m sticking to non-alcoholic drinks tonight.”
• “I’m taking a break from alcohol, but thank you for offering.”
• “I’m sorry, I have an early meeting with X and I need to be able to think.”
• “I’m not drinking tonight.”
• “No, thanks. I’m driving tonight.”
• “I’d prefer a soda, but thank you.”
• “I’ll just have a sparkling water, thanks.”
• “I’m on a mission to stay hydrated tonight, so just water for me!”
• “I’m the designated sober elf tonight, so no drinks for me.”
• “No, thank you. I’m good with what I have.”
• “I appreciate it, but I’ll stick with my current drink.”

Career management

Now, the Christmas and other holidays season tends to be exhausting if you’re not someone who enjoys parties. But then, you also want the chance to engage with your colleagues and build relationships. And possibly grab the attention of the senior leaders for the right reasons. This isn’t the time to go for a strip tease, ok? But I’m reasonably certain you already knew that.

So, you want to go to the event, you want to network a bit, but honestly, you also want to be at home in bed by 10pm. OK, we’ll push it to 11pm. Here’s some important advice:

You are permitted to leave any gathering when you wish.

Seriously now. You can pop in for the dinner or the meal, do a drive by the senior leadership table and compliment one or two people on something they’ve done or claimed to have done over the last year, and leave before things start getting messy.

People were remember you were there. They will (hopefully) be sober enough to remember you took the time to compliment them. They won’t remember what time you left.

Seriously. If getting to bed at a certain hour is more important that spending time with your colleagues getting increasingly drunk – I fully understand. I hate going somewhere when I have to depend on someone else for getting home. I pretty much always have personal arrangements made so I can leave when I wish.

Which brings me on to the next thing.

Be prepared.

It’s ok to practice what you’ll say when people insist on trying to push drinks on you. It’s ok to slip out early and not say anything.

But it’s also really important to consider some other factors:

• What’s the public transport system like? Is it safe? Do you have enough money for a taxi or an Uber? Is walking an option?
• Are you set up for a quiet exit? Have you to collect coat, bag, scarf? Can you arrange things ahead of time so this is accomplished quietly without drawing attention?
• Is there a well meaning colleague, who will be certain to draw attention to you with their questions about getting home safely? How do you either placate them or avoid them?
• Can you arrange with someone to create a diversion to allow you to slip away?
• Are you comfortable declining drinks or minimising drinks?
• Do you have comfy shoes? Clothing that is easy to manage? Or at least that you don’t have to be constantly checking or adjusting throughout the night?

Now look, it’s entirely possible you’re the person who’s the life and soul of the party. That’s fantastic! Thank you for your service! (Genuinely meant – takes a lot of pressure off me!)

The really bad stuff

Now, look. I’d hope in most modern workplaces, any sort of sexual or physical misconduct is completely anathema. But things happen. So how do you deal with a colleague who’s getting too handsy? Or tries to manoeuvre you under the mistletoe? Or worse?

Well, when you see someone who has form in this area getting drunk, start to avoid them. Depending on your level of tolerance and the people around you, you may just cut the night short at this point. Remember, yes, it’s never pleasant to have someone else decide on when you leave. But it’s more important to keep yourself safe.

Now, you may not decide to leave. This is the time to start recruiting allies, if you haven’t done so in advance. Surround yourself with people. Don’t stand by yourself. Keep with groups. If you find yourself alone at a table and see this person coming towards you? Bathroom break.

If they actually lay hands on you, you can try making a joke of it at first. But eventually, you will need to issue a stern, firm “no”. Here are some options.

1. Direct and Firm:
   • “Please leave me alone. I’m not interested in talking right now.”
   • “I need you to stop and give me some space.”
2. Setting Boundaries:
   • “I’m here to enjoy the party, but I need you to respect my boundaries.”
   • “I’ve asked you to stop. Please respect that.”
3. Involving Others:
   • “I’m going to join my friends now. Have a good evening.”
   • “I need to find my colleague. Excuse me.”
4. Seeking Help:
   • “I’m feeling uncomfortable. Can you help me out?” (to a nearby friend or colleague)
   • “I need some help here. Can you assist me?” (to a supervisor or event organizer)
5. Using Authority:
   • “If you don’t leave me alone, I will have to report this to HR.”
   • “I’m asking you one last time to stop. Otherwise, I’ll need to get security involved.”

These are of course the ones you use when being polite. This is a situation where four letter words can come in to play with real effectiveness if needed.

The situation should never arise, of course, even less so at a works do, but it does. So, if you have concerns in this area, practice beforehand.

Finally…

Remember, that technically speaking, yes you are meant to enjoy yourself at a party. Sometimes it’s easier than others, of course, but hopefully you will need to use none of the advice above and just be able to enjoy yourself freely.

But if something does happen, don’t feel you need to brush it under the carpet. You’re always allowed to determine what your boundaries and limits are and expect others to stick to them. If you don’t like being hugged, touched, etc, people should respect that. And if you are a hugger, don’t expect everyone else to be the same.

It takes all sorts after all.

Above all else, don’t be worried about taking whatever action keeps you safe. That’s the most important thing! And if you see another woman being cornered or beleaguered and you feel safe to do so – step in!