EngineerHer

I occasionally volunteer to conduct chartership interviews with Engineers Ireland (professional body for engineers in Ireland) At the last round of interviews, I had one candidate ask the question about a particular person she deals with regularly, who consistently and continually bypasses her to speak to her (male) boss.

The question was “is it because I’m a woman?”

The two other interviewers with me leapt in to re-assure her it wasn’t because it was a woman. I took a different tack. Because I know the answer in my heart to this one, but being an objective engineer, I said “it might be because you’re a woman.”

Honestly, the woman looked relieved. And boy, do I know that feeling. So, let’s explore a few aspects of this.

Why do we assume the problem is us?

Well, I’ve covered this before in previous posts. We’re trained by society, expectations of others, just life in general that we should always blame ourselves first. And it’s really not always the case.

But it’s a hard habit to break. And to suggest, in the modern world, that sometimes the problem is that the person you’re dealing with has a problem with your gender is uncomfortable. At best.

Saying out loud that a particular person has a problem accepting your word for something because you’re a woman is really uncomfortable. Because it forces people around you to address some uncomfortable truths in themselves. And in the people they work with. We have (mostly) moved beyond the time when people could legitimately say, “Well, obviously, you have to try harder to convince that man of your worth. You’re female.”

But there’s a lot of softer sexism, or hidden prejudice, or people just being so unbelievably awful that people genuinely question what they’re hearing/seeing/ reading.

How can we tell?

There’s a few patterns you can see when someone is being sexist. When they are definitely holding your gender against you.

• They consistently act differently towards you and to the men/ other genders in your team
• They apply different levels of scrutiny to you and to the men/ other genders in your team
• They use different language when speaking to you and to the men/ other genders in your team

Honestly, if you think they are treating you differently because you are female, chances are, they are treating you differently because you are female. (Or indeed non-binary, trans, or anywhere other than male on the gender spectrum)

So, how to deal with it?

There are a few ways.

• Do nothing. This is always an option. Seriously now – you don’t have to do anything in this situation. You can adopt a “wait and see” attitude to see if the behaviour will ease off. You can decide it’s just not worth the energy. But doing nothing is always a valid choice.
• Speak to your manager: In this case, you can either bring it up in a regular one-to-one meeting, or if you feel it’s more urgent, set up a meeting to discuss it. Just say you’ve noticed some extra activity following submission and you’re wondering what elements of your work you are missing or is there another issue.
• Consult your team and your peers: You might find that this person bypasses everyone, not just you. You might find this is a “testing” phase they have with new members of the team. You might find this is what they do when they don’t like the news they’re being given. But you won’t know, til you ask!
• You can address it directly with the person in question. This is an advanced technique, I’m going to be honest. Usually, this works best when you feel confident in yourself, your ability and your skills. You can open the conversation with something like “Hey, I’ve noticed a lot of the time when I present or send you completed work, you reach out to one of my colleagues to confirm or question my work. Am I missing something or have there been omissions I need to address?” See what they come back with.

So remember…

1. It’s unlikely to be you
2. You get to choose how to deal with it -or not
3. You may react differently in different situations
4. You can ask for help in dealing with it or not

And most importantly: don’t let one dodgy person ruin your whole experience!