EngineerHer

… is sauce for the gander. It’s one of those sayings I remember hearing often as a child. On the other hand, as soon as I learned the correct rebuttal (one man’s drink is another man’s poison) it lost it’s effectiveness, but that is life.

Self care at work

I know, it doesn’t appear linked at all, but bear with me. I’ve had a cold for about a week now. On Friday, my team every so politely requested I not show up and be spreading my germs around the place on Monday. Please, pretty please, with a cherry on top.

Well, I’m sure that’s the wordage they meant to use. What came out was a bit more direct and to the point. Including one person pointing out that I had told him to practice some self-care a few weeks before and I could stand to listen to my own advice.

He’d had a cold and I told him to work from home and take it easy til it passed.

But… that’s for them, right? Doesn’t apply to me?

Intersection of guilt

I’m going to be honest, there were a few different “guilts” at play here.

First off, there’s the inherent guilt with taking any time off. I have a friend that refers to this as my “absorbed Protestant work ethic” and has offered several times to cut it out of me. She hasn’t succeeded yet, mind but it’s something I’m working on.

Second, there’s the “example to the team” conflict. On the one hand, I want to model effective team working, self care and a sensible approach to managing energy. On the other, I don’t want to be seen to be taking time off or taking it easy for something that’s not sick enough…

Third, there’s the fear. Am I not “man enough” for the job? Can I not keep up with the pace? Am I too weak for this? Am I not good enough?

How to deal with it?

Well, ok, I was reared Irish Catholic, I’m well accustomed to dealing with guilt. But it’s never easy as such.

So, I return to “sauce for the goose”. I question myself, what would I say to a team member in this position? No one else will tell me this (some extremely direct team members aside!)

I use the old €50 note test – can I go running around after a €50 note in the garden? The answer was no. Frankly, I couldn’t get off the couch over the weekend. I was being fed Lemsips and hot whiskeys by my darling husband. I couldn’t talk for more than 30 seconds without coughing.

I did log on to the work laptop on Mon/Tues. How much work I got done is another story, but I did log on. It made me feel better. I wasn’t entirely upright at the time but there you go.

How do you make the decision though?

Only you can make it. The business, the organisation is never going to sit you down and say “you’re sick, go home!”. If that happens, there’s a chance you might need immediate medical attention…

Equally, there are plenty of health issues that aren’t that apparent or that don’t need medical attention to manage. We’ve all grown up with the whole “antibiotics don’t help with a cold, stop asking for them” messaging from health care bodies.

There are times when your health concern won’t be apparent to anyone else and you have to balance the appearance with the reality of things. We’re not even getting into the whole hidden disabilities issue in this post (it’s way out of my lane for a start!)

I have a rough questionnaire I use in these times:

• Can I drive to work safely?
• Can I infect the rest of the office?
• Is there a requirement for me to be on site specifically today?
• Is there an important conversation or meeting I can’t put off that must be held in person?
• (I have a decision tree here to help with the process!!)

Final thoughts

That’s kind of the crux of it though – in these situations, you do what you need to do to get through it. If I’d had a cold during a shutdown or a major breakdown, would I have made the same decisions? Probably not – I’d have dosed myself up and collapsed afterwards. If I was in an easier role and it wasn’t a busy time of year? Might have felt easier taking actual time off instead of working from home.

It’s taken me 20 years to get to this point where I am confident enough to say, “no, today, I’m too sick to be in the office, I’m taking time off/ working from home.” I sincerely hope it doesn’t take others as long (I can be a really slow learner, sometimes!)

It’s balancing the risks, essentially. And I know, men go through this as well, but there is an added layer when you’re the only woman in the office.

It’s bad enough that any bad mood or minor tiff can get blamed on hormones… but that’s a post for another day!